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Being in Limbo when it comes to Dating

Ever sit around and wonder what the person you like is doing? Wondering if you have the "right" to be mad or what you should do? Maybe you're not really together or maybe you are... but what do you do moving forward so you don't feel this way?

Limbo is defined as “an uncertain period of awaiting a resolution, an intermediate state or condition.” Synonyms: abeyance, unattended to, unfinished. jiri-wagner-227870

This is a common state when it comes to dating and getting to know someone/others when you’re single. This is probably the worst state but yet the best state of all, and let me tell you why.

Worst state, because you’re spending time with someone and enjoying each other’s company but you haven’t really discussed what you are yet. Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe you’re not sure what you want and clearly, things are left undefined. Sometimes bringing up the status and/or future of what may or may not be a relationship can be intimidating, frustrating, and otherwise deemed unnecessary. You don’t want to “ruin” your chances by scaring the person off, but you also don’t want to screw anything up by making choices that might hinder the possibility of a commitment with this person, if that’s indeed what you’re seeking. So what do you do? You sit in limbo, waiting and hoping that there might be a sign of some sort that reveals itself to you as to what you’re supposed to do or what direction to take. Maybe you’re waiting for the other person to bring it up first because you’re afraid of rejection or scaring them off. So you accept the status quo and make the best of it. But are you really making the best of it?

Doesn’t it drive you absolutely crazy to sit around and think about how much you like the other person knowing that when they’re not with you, they may or may not be spending their time and energy on someone else? It hurts to think about the fact that the person you’re interested in and/or sleeping with may or may not be doing the same things or more with others that they also do with you. Maybe they’re going on dates, maybe they’re kissing, holding hands, being intimate… you just don’t know. But you’re not going to ask, right? Because you feel like it’s just not the right time to do so, or that you don’t have the right to do so. So instead, you sit around and you feel… unresolved. You want to hope for the best, but there’s a part of you that’s going crazy with jealousy and wondering about the unknown and you just can’t stop thinking about it. This is where the good part comes in.

You might think that these thoughts/feelings you’re having are crazy. Maybe you feel like you don’t have the “right” to feel the way you do, to feel this jealousy, curiosity or loneliness. You start to question yourself, how desirable you are, and what you have to bring to the table and start questioning whether or not that aligns with what the other person is doing or not doing. How is that good, you ask? How is all this anxiety and madness beneficial in any sort of way? While you’re sitting at home lonely and your mind is racing, they could be out doing God knows what with anyone else under the sun. How is this good?

Well, because when going through these things, you start to evaluate yourself, your worth, your circumstances. And although you might question these things, there has to be a part of you that is also justifying why you deserve more for yourself or why you want the things you want for yourself and your future. This introspection is honestly a very important part of personal growth.

A lot of people will find themselves in situations where they’ll say to themselves, “Why me, when I do all of this for this person?” or “What am I doing wrong? I treat people good, I do this… etc. etc. etc.” And you’re absolutely right. You have self-worth. You deserve to be respected and treated with love. You deserve to have dignity and peace of mind. But let’s make it really simple.

As much as we don’t want to admit it to ourselves, until such time that two people mutually discuss not seeing other people and agreeing upon that, it doesn’t matter if one person wants that and the other one isn’t ready. It still isn’t a relationship or a commitment. Until two people decide to stop seeing other people and only see each other, they are both technically single, which means each person can see whoever they want, whenever they want, wherever they want…and do whatever they want. If there isn’t a commitment, you’re single. And so are they. Doesn’t matter how invested you are emotionally or how invested they are to you. If the feelings are not mutual, it’s not contractual, really. And this drives us crazy because we want to believe or know that when we invest our time and energy into someone that we like that things will eventually turn out in our favor…but that doesn’t always happen.

Think about it this way.

Is every person you care about the person you’re going to end up with? Absolutely not. I’m sure we all have plenty of exes that we’ve dated that we might have greatly cared for at some time, and things didn’t work out. So caring for someone isn’t always enough, right? There has to be more to it than that. There has to be a mutual understanding of what you both what and don’t want and how you’re going to work towards those things or avoid them.

Not everyone has the same personality type, either. You have people that are direct that will communicate effectively what they want/feel and others who avoid conflict or keep to themselves. You have those that will put others’ needs before their own and those that don’t want to consider other’s feelings unless it benefits them. Everyone is different. So to sit here and say that you feel a certain way and you believe the other person should behave or think the same way that you do is a little absurd, because at the end of the day, we’re all unique individuals with different backgrounds, needs and goals. What might work for you might not work for someone else. You might be ready, but they might not be. And honestly, until you both discuss it, you’ll never know. However, timing is everything.

Maybe it’s not the right time to discuss it. You believe that things are headed in the right direction but if you’re too forward too soon, you’ll scare them off and ruin any chances you might have. Maybe you want that person to be the one to initiate things and come forth and tell you that they want to be with you and only you. But what if that doesn’t happen? Are you prepared for the fact that this person may or may not want to be with you long-term and are you sure, that after sitting here and analyzing everything that you’re getting everything you want out of this situation and this is your be all end all?

I bet most of you might not want to admit it, but you’re probably not sure. And that’s okay. It’s good to think about these things, what you’re getting out of the situation…is it healthy, is it fulfilling, is it a good fit for you…is it a good fit for them. Most people have a hard time thinking outside the box as far as considering other people’s personalities, backgrounds, wants and needs. They usually think of things in accordance to what they know to be true for themselves, and that doesn’t always hold true for other people.

It hurts to sit at home and wonder what the other person you care about is doing. Are they out trying to pick up other people? Are they laying in bed next to someone else, kissing someone else, touching someone else, etc.? Nobody is stopping you from doing these things, either, though. You have every right to do them. Just be smart about it. Wear protection if you’re going to be sleeping with other people. And then ask yourself this… “If I can sleep with this other person, do I really care about the other person as much as I think or am I just filling my time and hoping for the best?”

We all have needs, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. Not having our needs mets creates a drive and a desire to obtain things that we are lacking within ourselves or our lives. And honestly, we have to stop relying on other people to make us whole. Sure, it’s great to fill the time and feel wanted, doing things with someone else/other people that we can’t do alone. But at the end of the day, when you go to bed alone, are you happy with your life? When you go to bed with someone else, do you feel happy and content with your situatiion?

NOt everyone who is in a relationship is happy, and not everyone who is single is lonely. That’s what people don’t understand. A status isn’t the answer to your problems. You have to find solutions within yourself that work for you. So ask yourself this: “Why does this bother me? If I have no control over this other person, what can I do to set my mind at ease when they are not with me?” because truthfully, they might not ever be with you again. It’s nice to hope and believe that we’ll end up with someone but we also have to prepare ourselves to be happy being alone.

I think the hardest thing for me sometimes is being alone for so long. I have incredibly high standards and i’ve gotten to the point that i’m going to do what’s best for me and keep it to myself. If I want to sleep with someone, I do. If I want to date three people at once, I do. If I want to be alone, I stay alone, even if someone wants to date me. You know why? Because we have to live with the consequences of our decisions and choices, so you better make sure you’re happy with them, regardless of what they are. And if you’re not, that’s okay…learn from your decisions. I’d say mistakes, but I don’t believe that regret or guilt makes something a mistake. Every “mistake” is a learning opportunity for growth.

It just really stinks to sit here and wonder, ” I wonder what this person is doing right now.” “I wonder if they’re sleeping alone.” Thinking about other people’s behavior can ruin your peace of mind. At the end of the day, you have no control over it. They’re going to do what they want, when they want, with who they want and a status or title isn’t going to force someone to be loyal who doesn’t want to be loyal or force someone to cheat who doesn’t want to cheat. You can’t control other people’s actions and you’ll never understand their reaons. The best we can do on our ends is being happy with ourselves.

Be the best possible version of yourself that you can be. Create a person that you would brag about but make it you. Know your worth. Know what you’ll tolerate and won’t. Be okay with saying yes when you want to say yes, even if others wouldn’t support it. Be okay with saying no to others if what they’re asking of you doesn’t align with what you want or believe in. Do what is best for YOU.

The worst feeling in the world is jealousy and insecurity, and it damages so much before, during and after interpersonal relationships. It’s such a shame that people let it destroy them and their situations when in all honesty, they could have been working on making themselves happy or better.

Nobody wants to feel like they’re being monitored or under surveillance. I’m assuming it would be comparable to being on house arrest or in a prison, which i’ve never been subjected to either, but I picture it like being trapped in a cage. Nobody wants to live like that. Insecurities lead to a lot of bad things so the best thing you can do is remind yourself of why you have all the good qualities you have. Confidence is a beautiful thing and it’s a great way to inspire others. People want to be around confident, happy people. Not miserable, insecure, controlling people.

So my take away is this.

You should never feel insecure or question if a situation feels right. Go with your gut. If it’s something within you that you need to work on, work on it. But don’t make other people suffer for your insecurities. If it’s a matter of the fear of the unknown, know that there is a known answer to this and that is that you won’t ever know what’s next. The best you can do is prepare for what’s next, by being ready and staying ready. If you expect the worst but hope for the best, you’re one step ahead of a lot of other people. Because a lot of people either lie to themselves or only focus on the bad.

Focus on the good and remind yourself of your worth and I promise you that even if this doesn’t work out, you’ll be happy. You might be alone, but you’ll be alright. Best case scenario? The other person will appreciate the fact you don’t smother them or make them feel like a bird in a cage.

Nobody is ever happy feeling like they have to report to someone else or be stuck in a cage. Do unto to others as you’d want others to do unto you. Give that person trust and hope and while they’re out, focus on you. And if it works, great. If it doesn’t, you just improved yourself in the meantime.

Let things happen organically but never lose sight of your hopes and dreams. If you find that someone else’s life doesn’t align with what you want, don’t be afraid to say goodbye and walk alone. Hold out for what you want and be true to yourself first. If you don’t do that, people will walk all over you. You have to be strong and confident or you’ll get eaten alive out there in this world.

Have faith and have hope and never stop working on yourself, especially while you’re unsure about other people. They’re not your problem unless you allow them to be.

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