So, there’s this idea that’s set in place, and has been that way since probably the beginning of time. Girls are supposed to be coy and shy, proper… you’re supposed to wait before you rush into things. You’re supposed to get to know one another and spend time together. And to a certain extent, I agree with that. However, is that always enough? If you follow all the right rules, does that guarantee that someone isn’t going to screw you over or that they are going to stick around?
People will say that if you go slowly, that if you wait, and you really get to know the other person, that they will respect you. They’ll want to know more about you and you will grow as friends, and then as lovers, and everything will allegedly fall into place.
If you start off as friends or acquaintances, and there’s a mutual attraction, there’s bound to always be some sort of unspoken sexual tension. I read some article recently that said girls are supposed to friend zone guys because eventually, they’ll want to be with you. And honestly, it does seem to happen that way, even though not intentionally most of the time. I have found that if you don’t want to be with someone, those are the people who seem to want you the most… the ones you don’t actually want.
So with that being said, it’s likely that people you are friends with are going to show some sort of interest in you. Because you have something in common, or maybe you’re just intriguing for some reason.
People who aren’t looking to date you and that are just trying to be friends are going to show their “true” self to you. Walls down, flaws forward… you really don’t have anything to hide. You become close and get to know one another. And sometimes, after that happens, one person will end up noticing things about the other person that they might not have shown to other people because it feels safe. You know that this person isn’t going to judge you and you don’t necessarily care if they do because you’re not trying to date them.
The problem is, people will sometimes feel that there is a connection there that is more than just friendship. Especially if you’re attracted to one another. And if you’re not, you might start to be. Because now you have a bond building that wasn’t there before. You’re starting to become closer, telling each other things that you don’t tell other people, and connecting on a whole different level. So you start to look past the physical things and start thinking about the “what if’s” per say. You start thinking about what would happen if you allowed this person to become close to you.
So according to other people, this would be a good thing. But is it?
What if you spend all this time being friends with someone and then you decide to date? That sounds amazing, doesn’t it?
I can tell you that recently, I spent about five weeks with someone doing everything “right” and that still wasn’t enough.
I spent five weeks having deep conversations with someone, getting to know about their dreams, their wishes, their goals, their family, their friends…all of that. They spend the same amount of time appearing to be fully invested in me. They claimed to be totally ready for a relationship, wanting to be with me and did everything they were “supposed to do” to make me want to be with them. They played it cool, took me on dates, and got to know me. They honestly made me feel like whatever I wanted, they’d do it. Not that I required much, but that they’d be there, able and willing to step up to the plate.
We finally made it official. Five weeks in. We had kissed, we had intimate encounters, but we hadn’t slept together. I did everything the way…I was “supposed” to do it.
A week in, we had sex. Twice. And then a few days later, the person was at home for mother’s day weekend with his kids. Now mind you, I have a lot going on and I don’t expect for anyone to be clingy because I’m not clingy whatsoever.
When I had asked if he was coming over to see me, as previously planned earlier that week, his response was, “I don’t really have a lot of money right now because I spent it all on mother’s day with my kids.” Now my first response was, “what the fuck does that have to do with me?” Because I wasn’t asking for anything other than his time. I wasn’t asking for a mother’s day gift, or going out for the holiday to celebrate. Yes, I have kids, but not his. So for me to expect that would have been silly. I honestly just wanted to see him after his kids went home. So I had texted my best guy friend asking him what that as all about.
He said, “Seems like he’s in a bad mood. Give him a day/space and go from there.” So that’s what I did. And honestly, I regret doing that.
We didn’t talk for over 24 hours. I gave him the space that my friend said he probably needed. My boyfriend (of one week) didn’t take the time to contact me during that space. Instead, he posted a bunch of stuff on Facebook that had to do with relationships, to which I responded with the “wow” face or laughing face, and eventually we ended up talking.
He said, “I just feel like you need more attention than what I’m able to give you right now. I have a lot going on in my life that I’m not happy about and I’m honestly in no place to be in a relationship when I don’t even like who I am.” It was something to that extent. So basically, it was the whole “it’s not you, it’s me…” thing. A complete crock of shit.
This guy straight played me. He said everything “right” and did everything “right” to try to lure me in. And I gave him the benefit of the doubt, since this time, I was going to take things slowly and do things the “right” way.
But at the end of the day, it didn’t really matter. It ended up the same as though I’d met someone who just wanted to fuck me and leave me because ultimately, that’s what he did.
I felt so disgusted with the fact that I was trying to do things the right way, taking it slow, waiting and truly getting to know someone and that they used that to their advantage and left me like a bad habit.
At least the asshole guys that are just looking to fuck you tell you up front so you know what you’re getting into. Either you take it or you leave it, that’s how it works. You can walk away and never talk again or you can have sex and make the best of it. There’s no hidden agenda. Everything’s on the table up front. This time, though? Was a smack in the face.
I legitimately waited, hoping to find someone who was going to make me feel special, treat me differently and stick around. But I was wrong. I just ended up sleeping with someone that did everything they felt like they needed to for the end goal to be the same.
So when it comes down to “doing things right”… today’s society isn’t really set up for that.
My ex and I are still close enough to talk from time to time and he basically told me that girls now are willing and able to do anything and everything, so if I was going to try to keep someone around, I’d have to “step my game up,” because “these twenty-year-olds are doing things you’ve never dreamed of.” I assume this includes twerking and bondage or something, but none the less, good for him.
I’m just not into pretending to be someone I’m not or wanting something that I don’t to try to keep someone around. I was hoping by taking things slowly I’d have a better chance of having a lasting relationship but honestly, I’ve found that in today’s society, you might as well just do what you want because in the end, it all ends up the same regardless.
I hate to be a naysayer, but experience trumps ideals.