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Incoherance: What you Need to Know regarding Dating

Ever wondered where you stood with someone? It's a lot easier to decode than you think. Take a look.

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By: Elle Alexander

December 23, 2016

It’s been said that you can tell a lot about someone’s true intentions by not only listening to their words, but by watching their actions. When someone’s actions don’t match their words, this is called “incoherance,” and bottom line… it means that something isn’t right. Psychology Today Article on Incoherance

So when it comes to dating, this is something that people need to take into consideration. Whether you’ve just started seeing someone, or have been seeing them for awhile… you want consistency.

For example, if someone tells you that they want to see you and they love spending time with you, but they’re always making excuses or finding reasons to not do so, you have  a problem. I’m not talking about the occasional unavailability that occurs due to circumstances regarding work or family…occasional being the key word here… I’m talking about patterns of behavior that are consistent and sustained.

“If there’s a will, there’s a way, and if not, there’s an excuse.” Exactly my point. More on this quote

If someone wants something bad enough, they’re going to find a way to get it or make it happen. If they’re passionate about it, they’re going to do whatever it takes. Otherwise, you’ll find a take it or leave it attitude and behaviors that go along with that.

Psychology of Excuses

Think about it like this. Growing up, if you were forced to play a sport or do an activity you really didn’t enjoy or want to be a part of, chances are you weren’t putting forth 100% effort or taking an interest in it. You were present to fulfill your obligation, but you almost resented the situation and couldn’t wait until it was over with. Forcing someone into something that isn’t right for them is kind of the same thing.

Just because you feel some way about someone doesn’t mean that they feel the same way for you. Yes, they might care about you…just on a different level. So if they say they don’t want to commit or they’re not ready, believe them. Because if you were the one they wanted, they’d make it work. It’s not about timing as much as it is about interest. People that don’t want to do something make excuses and take the path of least resistance. Path of Least Resistance: ExcusesLoriblu

If you won a trip to the Cayman Islands, all expenses included, I bet you’d figure out a way to make it happen even if you weren’t 100% ready for it, right? Relationships are no different. You can meet someone by surprise that sweeps you off your feet and you’ll find a way to make it work because you don’t want to lose them. YOu’re not going to let that “opportunity” pass you by.

People will continually make excuses for why others are blowing them off, using them, or keeping them on the back burner. They will sit and over analyze the situation for hours, days, sometimes even longer trying to put the pieces together. When really, it’s quite simple.

Take what the person is telling you and compare it to their actions. If what they’re saying contradicts what they’re doing, they probably don’t mean it with all of their heart or have conflicting emotions. Bottom line? They’re not fully invested.

When someone wants to be with you, you won’t have to question it. You’ll know. Until then, don’t make excuses to cover up the obvious and make yourself feel better. Because in the end, you’ll just end up feeling worse.

Sometimes it’s better to face the facts than drag it out longer than necessary. Some people are a good fit, and others are not. If it’s not mutual, it’s not a good fit. That doesn’ t mean you should take it personally, it means you should accept it and move forward so you can both be happy.

After all, not everyone is meant to be together romantically, even if they get along well as friends.LOIT

Chemistry is a funny thing. Just because there are sparks doesn’t mean there is anything sustainable in the long run. Sometimes sparks don’t ignite into anything more than sparks. Sometimes they do in fact create a beautiful blaze. However,  so much goes into play.

In order for a relationship to work, you need a combination of sparks, honesty, effort and commitment. Otherwise, it’s just a big waste of time. Knowing how to sort through this can be not only a time saver, but helpful in saving your heart from unnecessary breakage.

I spent the majority of my twenties over-analyzing the obvious., trying to paint it into something it wasn’t.Zales

Do yourself a favor and don’t do that to yourself. Take things at face value. Generally everything you need to know, you already have a hunch about. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.


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