By: Elle Alexander
December 5, 2016
1. Skipping good hygiene practices
As much as you’d think this would be common sense, you would be surprised at the number of people who think they can initiate sex without brushing their teeth or showering first. Nobody want’s your nasty breath and body odor up in their face. I don’t want to smell the garlic and onions from your dinner or taste it on your tongue if we’re french kissing. I don’t want your hot warm breath in my face if it smells bad. So take a few minutes and walk your happy butt to the bathroom. Then Hop in the shower, shave, brush your teeth…whatever you need to do. But Stop being lazy about your hygiene and clean yourself up first. Your partner deserves that at the bare minimum.
2. Routines that interfere with sex.
That’s right. Things like discussing how bad your day was, family drama, even just having the TV on are all things that can ruin the mood. Do you think your partner really wants to bring up your parents, kids or boss right before sex? No. They don’t. Save that for afterwards or hours before hand. The only thing you should be doing before sex is showering/getting ready and trying to set the mood. Take a little time to think about what is going to turn your partner on or make you feel good about yourself so you can get into it and they can, as well. And if you don’t know, you should. Put on some sexy music, dim the lights,light some candles, give each other backrubs, kiss. Do things that will make the other person compliments that make them feel good about himself/herself. Is that really so hard? A little effort goes a long way.
3. Not doing anything to set the mood first.
Yes, you need to set the mood. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. Do it. Let your partner know you appreciate them and find them attractive. You’ll find that the more effort you put in and the more confidence they have, the more they want to please you. This also involves foreplay. There’s also a meme i’ve seen that says, “Fact: Men who do more housework tend to have more sex.” Well… why do you think that is, exactly? Because we like thoughtfulness. It goes a long way. With this being said ladies, you might want to step your game up and spoil him once in a while, too. Maybe buy some lingerie that makes you feel good when you’re in it. Your confidence will be magnetic. I really like this site and they have a lot of good options. Plus you’ll get my discount, so it will be cheaper than if you bought it without the referral. Men, don’t be afraid to buy your partner something you want to see her in. We always like gifts…
Do you honestly feel entitled to having something done for you that you’re not willing to do for them? Kiss your partner, be passionate with them, do things for them that you want them to do for you. Climbing in to bed and taking your underwear off is good for a quickie, if you have like… three to five minutes. That’s basically saying that “i’m just here to get off, so let’s get this show on the road.” That’s not really satisfying on a regular basis though. If you’re not having the occasional quickie, you need to be putting the work in. Because even with quickies i’ve seen passionate lovemaking and chemistry. If you’re not willing to put the work in, don’t be mad if your partner isn’t interested in having sex with you or fantasizing about having someone else meet their needs. I spent two years thinking about someone else during sex and wanted to cheat. I never actually did it, but in my head I had cheated hundreds of times.
4. Bringing up the Ex (or your past sexual history)
Ok, so picture this. You’re laying in bed and doing your best to try and turn the other person on, right? You think you’re doing a pretty good job, until the person says, “You know, my ex used to do this thing where they’d…” or “I didn’t have this problem when I was with…” Kinda kills the mood right? We don’t need to hear about your previous sex life. As a matter of fact, this isn’t really anyone’s business except you and the person you had sex with. You can very easily talk about your preferences and likes/dislikes without giving us a face to picture or person to think about other than us. We know you had a past before us but… we don’t need to hear about it. Keep that to yourself. None of us are virgins and if we have a “clean” record, that’s all you need to know. Anything else doesn’t concern or affect you. If you’re insecure about your abilities, figure out what you’re doing wrong and fix it. Oh and P.S, don’t compare your partner’s body to someone elses that you’ve been with. That’s a great way to put a road block to your sex life for a while.
4. Treating private areas like…bubblegum.
Ok guys, I’m going to be brutally honest here. It does NOT feel good if you’re giving a girl oral sex and you treat the labia like bubblegum. This is not an area that we want to have pulled on, chewed on or stretched. I’m not sure exactly why guys think that’s a good idea, but it’s not. The only thing you should be chewing on and pulling on like bubblegum is actual bubblegum. Otherwise, be a tad more gentle and considerate with your mouth unless a girl specifically asks you to do that.
We’ve all probably seen construction workers with jack-hammers plugging away trying to break up concrete. It’s generally a fast, disorderly and mechanical process.( If you have no clue what I’m talking about, I highly encourage you to look it up on Youtube. Because I want you to truly to understand what I’m saying here.) The term having sex like a “jack rabbit,” is another way its been described, but I’m not asking you to look up mating videos of that because…well…that’d be a little odd.
Your body parts should not be moving that fast if they’re anywhere near our vaginas. What exactly do you think is sexy about that? There’s no reason to be doing all of that. So do your partner a favor and have a little more self-control and consideration. There’s nothing remotely sexy about fast, jumpy and forceful and unorganized movements. Faster sex? Great. Jack-hammering? No. So stop it. Your penis and fingers should not be used like power tools.
6. Just laying there.
Ok ladies, you know what i’m talking about. Could you please just not do this? We get that you’re tired and your partner might have done something that really upset you prior to having sex, like maybe forgetting to take the garbage out, not doing the dishes or leaving you to clean the entire house after you also worked all day. That isn’t a reason to lay there and be passive aggressive and let the man get off if you’re not into it. If you’re not going to put forth a dignified effort and take your partner into consideration, don’t even bother. It’s so insulting to feel like the person you care about isn’t taking an interest in your sex life. Laying there like a lifeless corpse is not even remotely acceptable. Granted we’ve all had bad days when we’re tired or aren’t in the mood. That doesn’t mean you should just lay there and let the other person do their thing when you’re not getting any enjoyment out of it. Sex is meant to be enjoyable for both parties, not just one. So if you’re not up to it, just say so. Furthermore, don’t be mad if this is regularly happening and the person is thinking about sleeping with someone else. Can you blame them?
7. Saying weird or awkward things.
One of the most annoying things is when you’re in the middle of having sex, everything is feeling great and someone whips out some weird comment or conversation that you wish didn’t come out of their mouth. This can happen in a couple different ways. There’s always the obvious things that totally catch you off guard regarding strange fetishes or names that you’d rather not be called. That’s why I think it’s important to be on the same page sexually before you get involved with someone, with what they like or don’t like, what turns them on or what doesn’t. It’s also a good idea to be on the same page regarding where you stand with someone if you’re having sex. The last thing you want to hear from someone you’re casually having sex with is “I love you so much,” when you’re not really feeling the same way. Then it ruins it and you regret even doing it. Sometimes, if you’re not sure, just keep your comments to yourself. If someone isn’t into anal, don’t ask them in the middle of sex if you can stick it in there. You just went from good sex to totally annoyed or disgusted, and now you possibly ruined it for the other person by distracting them with your weird or off the wall comments. Not that there’s anything wrong with your sexual preferences, but again, make sure you’re on the same page.
8. Asking people to do things they’re uncomfortable with
This one should seem like common sense, but it’s such a huge turn off when the person you’re sleeping with won’t stop bothering you about doing something you don’t want to do. This could be threesomes, anal, S&M, any of that. Not everyone likes the same things you do. So if someone verbalizes that they’re not into that, don’t try to change their mind. You’re going to not only annoy them and turn them off, you’re going to make them feel like they’re boring or inadequate and they might not want to even sleep with you anymore. Respect your partner’s preferences and boundaries.
9. Drinking too much before hand.
There was a guy that I was dating for a while that I really only got to see on the weekends because we lived a half hour away from each other and both had very rigorous schedules. One of the things I looked forward to when we were together was being intimate, because the sex was really good when we did have it. However, it got to the point that his “free” time to drink on the weekends also happened to be the only “Free” time I had to sleep with him. So he’d binge drink all day watching sports and we’d Uber everywhere and go out and have fun, but our sex life was basically non-existent on the weekends because he couldn’t get hard. Sex is a big part of a healthy relationship and it’s a great way to feel close with your partner. It’s also a great stress reliever. So if I leave your house and you don’t put out, I’m going to be super frustrated and annoyed with you. If you can’t control your drinking during your time together and it starts to affect your sex life or the satisfaction of your partner, you better get it together and reconsider what you’re doing. Or there better be some serious overcompensation in the oral sex department because nobody wants to spend their entire weekend without getting off because someone is too drunk to function.
Further more, ladies, don’t drink to the point of just laying there. I’ve unfortunately actually done this in the past and fell asleep during sex, which I didn’t even know was possible. It was super humiliating and I even tried to lie and say “no I wasn’t sleeping,” and he said, “Yes you were, you were snoring.” Oh…Oops. Luckily, we had a good laugh about it but it wasn’t my proudest moment and I’ve since tried to ensure that I don’t allow it to happen again.
I’ve noticed that alcohol also affects a woman’s ability to get off sometimes too, and it can make it take a lot longer (which is initially why I think I started to fall asleep in addition to the wine). Antidepressants can also affect a person’s ability to get off or their overall sex drive in general. Your partner will end up getting mad if they can’t get you off because they could be doing everything right and your body refuses to cooperate. That can do a toll on the other person’s self esteem, as well.
9. Insulting your partner’s sexual abilities
So there’s obviously things we’re a lot better at than others. And sometimes, because we feel insecure about our abilities doing certain things, it makes us reluctant to do them if at all. I remember the first time I had sex on top and afterwards I asked how it was. The guy said, “honestly…it sucked. Do you even know what you’re doing?” ….”Well, no… I don’t because i’ve never done it before,” I thought. And he knew that. But after that, I really didn’t want to try again for a long time. I literally had to ask him to show me how he liked it because it wasn’t that I didn’t like the position, but that I was insecure about myself and didn’t want to feel like an idiot doing it if I was that terrible. I was lucky enough that he was understanding about it and told me what to do differently so eventually I felt confident about it and if anything, I feel like that’s probably one of the best ways it could have been handled. Just keep in mind, with anything else, we all have our strong points and not so strong points. We all have preferences. What one person might hate, someone else might love. But you won’t know until you try or ask.
10. Continually faking it.
So…I’m going to be honest. I’ve been guilty of this before. I had a good two year streak where I felt the need to fake it all the time with the person I was in a relationship with. Why? Because he tried so hard and I couldn’t ever finish.He always finished first and I knew he was putting a lot of effort in. But it got to the point where something had to give because I didn’t feel satisfied sexually. I admired the persistence and effort, but I got tired of putting on a show. Especially after that relationship ended and I ended up dating someone really self-centered for a long time.I think sometimes if people are under stress or have a lot on their minds this can also affect their ability to finish, so try not to be upset if that is the case and do what you can to clear your head first or talk about any underlying issues that might be going on so you can work through them and move forward.
I have no problem now being honest about whether or not I got off. If you even have to as me if I got off chances are, I didn’t because you’d know. And furthermore, I don’t feel like everyone deserves a good performance, honestly. If you’re all about yourself, I’m not faking it one bit.Why would I make it seem like you’re doing such a great job if I’m not satisfied? What good is that going to do for me in the long run? Sure I might be sparing a bruise to your ego by lying, but wouldn’t you be more mad if you found out I was? Step your game up and think about people other than yourself. Just because were having sex doesn’t mean we’re both enjoying it and you should want the other person to enjoy it. It’s not all about you. So if you treat it like it is, I’m going to treat it like I’m bored or unsatisfied because chances are, I am. And I’d like you to know I am so you can do something about it.So if you’re doing something right, I’m going to moan and verbalize it. If it gets real quiet and you start hearing crickets, you might want to stop and think about what you’re doing and try to fix that or maybe I will just fall asleep or go to bed instead.
11. Forgetting to tuck your lips.
Ladies, ladies, ladies… Do you know how many guys have told me horror stories about things other girls have done with their mouths? I feel like there should be a sex education class not only on prevention, but how to have sex and do certain things. Why isn’t there a class on that somewhere? Why hasn’t anyone implemented that to my knowledge?
When you are giving a guy oral sex, cover your teeth with your lips. Your teeth are sharp. Do you think he wants to feel like he’s getting scraped by something sharp? That hurts and it’s distracting. And that boner that he might have just had is now scared of you and wants nothing to do with you. Tuck your lips, keep it wet, and use your hand. It’s really not that hard. The only sex education I got was from watching porno and talking about my sex life with my close friends (girls and guys)
12. Inflicting pain (without consent, of course)
So, when I first started dating this guy, I didn’t realize just how into S&M sorts of things. I get that guys like spanking girls sometimes, but I shouldn’t end up with bruises all over my ass because you’re a damn sadist. There’s a difference between knowing that someone has the power to control you and hurt you but them not actually doing it or being gentle about it versus them full on smacking you as hard as they can until you’re in tears and getting off on it. My ass was black and blue for a week. When people think of 50 Shades of Grey, there’s a certain degree of excitement that sometimes goes with wondering if it’s going to hurt if you’re doing something with role playing but not having the person actually physically hurt you to the point where you can’t take it. That’s why people have “safe” words, so the partner knows if it’s too much. Pain thresholds are different between different people and sex/foreplay should not be painful. You should not continue if your partner is in tears or asking you to stop.
Furthermore, not everyone is a “good fit” together physically. Some women love men with large dicks. Others find it incredibly uncomfortable. Being with someone that is incredibly large can actually feel like you’re getting stabbed on your insides. Not being wet enough and having friction feels like rug burn and if you’re dating a girl that has a past or present history of having ovarian cysts, this can cause pain and nausea during and after intercourse. It really sucks at times if that’s the issue because it doesn’t mean you don’t love the person, it just means that other measures need to be considered to avoid that, like using a water based lubricant or trying a position that doesn’t penetrate as deeply. Don’t hurt your partner. Know those boundaries and respect them. And if someone isn’t respecting your boundaries, you really need to reevaluate how happy you are and your overall circumstances.
13. Saying someone elses name
So…this isn’t ever a fun scenario. If you’re sleeping with someone and you accidentally say someone elses name, you better have a damn good reason for it. Especially if you’re in a committed relationship. If you’re not, you might just want to not try and say their name at all or keep your mouth shut because I promise you, it won’t go over well in either circumstance if the wrong one comes out. If you are having random sex or casual sex and you can’t keep your partners straight, just keep your mouth shut. The only other person’s name that might be somewhat acceptable to say during sex is “God…” or “Jesus Christ…”That’s okay, right? But even some people aren’t okay with that. Know who your working with here.
14. Bringing up stressful things prior.
Had a bad day at work? Kids were driving you nuts at home? Maybe your best friend is being a total jerk. The first person you want to talk to about your day (if not your best friend) is usually the person you’re involved with relationship wise. But there’s a good time and a bad time to do it. Generally, it’s not when they walk right in the door. That’s obvious. Give them time to sit down and clear their head first. Furthermore, please don’t do it right before sex or in areas where sex could occur at any time, like on the couch when you’re cuddling or in the bedroom right before bed. Maybe discuss it when you’re having dinner or cleaning up afterwards? Keep it to a minimum, say your peace, and get over it. Then go have when you both have clear heads so you can focus on each other, not the horrible day you were having. And if your partner still can’t get it off their mind, don’t be a jerk and initiate it because it almost makes them feel like you don’t care about their feelings or things that are important to them and then they end up getting more upset. Timing is everything.
15. Having someone else in bed without your partner being home.
I feel like this one is common sense, but I’m going to say it anyways. One of my best friends was seeing a guy for a year and when she had just moved in with him, she found another pair of girls underwear under their bed. He said they were from a “long time ago,” but either way it’s a lose-lose because either A. You don’t ever clean and you’re a dirtball, or B. You are lying and were sleeping with someone else in the same bed that you probably slept with that person in.
Like it or not, the bedroom is a very sacred sexual area and it should be treated as so. Once you have a bond with someone sexually, why would you bring in anything to the relationship that might jeopardize that? If you are a cheater and you feel that you must cheat, for whatever reason (I’m not judging you)…Don’t do it in the bed that you and your partner sleep in. Unless that person is okay with other people sleeping with you, do it at that person’s house or just be single. I certainly would never want to lay on sheets that someone else had recently came on with the person I care about and am having sex with. If I’m going to have someone elses body fluids on me, I want it to be with my consent. Not by surprise. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up, honestly. That’s so gross.