Photo credit: London Scott
There’s a lot of guys out there who don’t want to date single mothers. I’ve heard this a lot on online dating sites. Guys get so pissed if you tell them you have kids already or will say, “I don’t do kids.” And it bothered me because I think it’s such a cop-out. So let’s look at some of the common concerns and try to understand and address these issues accordingly:
- Fear of being the replacement father to someone else’s children
- Potential drama with the child’s father(s)
- Fear of getting attached to the children if it doesn’t work out
- Availability of free time on the woman’s behalf due to her family commitments and responsibilities
- Fear that she is physically damaged from having kids
For starters, let’s debunk the common myth that most women with children are not looking for a “new” father for their children. Men always say this and I think it’s a legitimate fear to a certain extent if they haven’t dated a woman with children. However, if the child’s father is still actively involved and providing for his offspring, the woman isn’t generally looking to replace his role or detract from that special bond. Even in circumstances where the father might not be actively involved, dating a single mother doesn’t mean you’re automatically the “new father” to these children. Will you eventually get to meet them? If it works out, that would be the logical plan later on down the road because yes, it’s a package deal. The kids aren’t going anywhere. However, a lot of single mothers (like myself) don’t want someone to come in and take over. We’re used to doing things by ourselves and juggling multiple tasks. That’s where our strength comes from. We’re not looking for someone to come “rescue” us from our lives…just add to them.
I’ve also heard a lot of guys say, “I don’t want someone else’s kids. I want my own.” Newsflash, buddy. Most girls over the age of 25 probably already have kids. If you’re in your thirties and are looking for a girl without children that you can date that can give you kids of your own, it’s going to be slim pickings. Most of us wanted children before we turned thirty, if we were lucky enough to have them at all. And just because a girl is single without kids doesn’t mean that she’d be a good mother to your future offspring. There’s probably a reason she doesn’t want them or have them by that point. So be realistic with yourself and everyone else.
Another point to debunk is that not all single mother’s have “drama” with the child’s father. Some of us actually can have civil communication and work together to co-parent the children, which is actually ideal for the children involved. While this might not hold true for all women, I would presume that most single mothers don’t enjoy drama since they’re already juggling numerous responsibilities and don’t want the added stress. Furthermore, if the father is a deadbeat, yes…we’re going to get upset at times that we have to work our tails off and have little to no financial or emotional support from them. Think about it. The whole purpose of child support is for the absent parent to contribute financially to the children’s life to the extent that he might (usually minimally) if he were still living in the same household with the mother. Parenting always used to be a team effort in a two parent household, financially, emotionally, etc. While roles have changed with working parents and single parent households, now we’re responsible for everything. That doesn’t mean we want you to come in and do his job. But a little emotional support goes a long way. And in the grand scheme of things, if you did happen to get involved, would it really be so bad to hang out with them and get to know them? Help with trivial tasks like getting them to bed or taking them to a friends/sports activity? In the grand scheme of things, is that really so hard? What is it exactly that you’re scared of? We don’t need you to come in and be the father when they already have one (even if he is a deadbeat). We’re used to playing both roles everyday anyways, and then some.
But what if it doesn’t work out down the road and you already met the kids? That’s another common concern. Nothing in life is guaranteed. You think we want to just introduce anyone to our child? No, we don’t. Why involve someone with your children if you don’t plan on them being in the picture for a long term commitment? There’s no reason you should have to meet the ids right away. I’m not sure what the “recommended” time frame is for a new boyfriend to meet the kids, as this probably varies between people’s life circumstances and personal choices, but that should be a mutual decision. A woman should not be offended if you’re not ready to make that sort of commitment, because you’re right. It is a big step. But you need to be honest with your intentions from the beginning and be willing to remain open-minded. Is there any guarantee that a relationship will or won’t work out? Absolutely not. However, if both people put forth a viable effort and treat each other with respect, and make each other happy, what’s so wrong with eventually meeting the children to see if you like each other? That’s a necessary step to see if it will progress organically or if it will fizzle out. There’s no guarantees. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Nobody should push you into that. But at some point, you need to be ready because it’s bound to happen. Plus, why discount children you’ve never met that might make your world a whole lot better, adding to it with unconditional love and companionship? Kids can be a lot of fun once you take the time to get to know them. They’re all different, but they’re great. And if it doesn’t work out, there’s no reason that the kids should have to dislike you or lose contact if you still want to stay in touch to some capacity. That’s at the mother’s discretion, of course, but none the less.
Men are also always afraid that they can’t see the woman whenever they want. Well, this is true. But that’s a selfish concern. If you know when you meet someone that they have kids, you have to know that they should always come first. That doesn’t mean single mothers aren’t able to have “free” time with you. Sometimes, in standard visitation orders, the children are with the father every other weekend. There’s also a thing called babysitters. And later down the road, once you do meet the kids and get to know each other, you can still spend time with the mother even if they’re around. A lot of this depends on the age of the children, as well. Things get a lot easier when the kids are old enough to be home alone for a few hours, so that gives you time to go do something together as a couple, uninterrupted.
Lastly, just because a woman has had a child doesn’t mean that her body is permanently damaged or ruined. That’s the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard. Most of that has nothing to do with having children or even having multiple sexual partners. It has to do with not taking care of yourself or having bad genetics. There are some women who have weak pelvic floor muscles who have never even given birth and others who have had children who are in perfect condition down there after. Yes, it can happen. I swear. So if that’s your concern, you can knock that off right now. That has no bearing on whether or not a girl is going to satisfy you sexually. Just saying.
Bottom line, if there’s a will, there’s a way. Not everything has to be so black and white. If you want to make it work, figure it out. If you have fears, address them. But before you write someone off because they’re a single mother, which is a pretty big dick move in my eyes to be honest… maybe take the time to get to know the woman and see who she is first. You could be very easily passing up a strong, beautiful person inside and out because you are letting your fears get the best of you.
Oh and one more thing… Can we please quit using the word M.I.L.F? What are you, 13? Erase that from your vocabulary. We’re not a conquest for your lack of experience. And it’s rude. No respectable woman is really okay with that word unless she has low self esteem and finds it flattering for some weird reason. Even if she does, it’s still not okay. So just stop it already.